Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
