i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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