Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(630): View more from Illinois

It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

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(819): View more from Quebec

He was spoon feeding me wine all night.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months

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(925): View more from California

I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?

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