I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
