Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
