This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
