when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
