I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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