Jerry, you need to find god
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
