hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
