You can't special order awesome
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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