There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
