CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
