Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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