I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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