im drinking this country out of the recession.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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