I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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