Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
