Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
