It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
