Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
