she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
