the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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