We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
