She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
