Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
