You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
