I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
