Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
