it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Randomize
