were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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