I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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