I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
