4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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