dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
