I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
