Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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