Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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