please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
