considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
