John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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