just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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