I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
