I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
