Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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