oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
