Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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