"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
