this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
