A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
