if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
